


Almost Is Never Enough

by discolouration



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Friends, Coming of Age, F/M, Fluff, Friendship is complicated, High School, Kindergarten, M/M, Middle School, Multi, Platonic Soulmates, Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-19
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-05-09 03:04:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14707910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/discolouration/pseuds/discolouration
Summary: Joshua and Seungcheol are polar opposites, but inseparable friends from a young age. Seungcheol likes everyone, and everyone likes Seungcheol, but Joshua is always the friend he cares about most. Joshua, the quiet kid, who never knows what to say or how to fit in. For some reason, they get along well. Joshua thought they'd always be together, but people change, things happen, and friends drift apart.





	1. Kindergarten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joshua just wants to read in the corner where no one looked, but Seungcheol is pushy and persuasive and popular. And hard to say no to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! This is my first time writing a Seventeen story, the idea is really simple but I feel it's something lots of people can relate to when it comes to friendship and growing up. This chapter is pretty short and kinda montages through the first two years of Joshua and Seungcheol's friendship, but the rest will be much longer and in detail.
> 
> Hope everyone likes this, this is probably what I consider my best writing style so far.
> 
> Alright, that's about it.. enjoy!

When Joshua was three, he made a friend in junior kindergarten named Seungcheol. A fairly scrawny little boy, just as thin and fragile as himself with raven black hair and pink lips tinted red. He seemed to grab the whole class’ attention in a matter of seconds. Doe eyes followed him and widened at the toys he had, the awesome graphic t-shirts he wore with everyone's favourite characters, his roller shoes and playful wristbands. His loud voice and open kindness made him likeable and popular among the other three and four-year-olds. His stretched smile that would always show his gums charmed his classmates, drawing them in like bees to flowers.

And even when everyone was pulling him in different directions, he dropped his toy that he held, asked the other kids to wait a moment, and crept up to the quiet boy reading (or trying to read) in the corner, as if disturbing the silent aura around Joshua would send him into chaotic panic. He approached the quiet boy. A quiet boy who missed home and was still adjusting to the new environment of young adult teachers who told him when to do what, and playing with other kids after a whole summer away from school order he became accustomed to at his daycare.

For the first half of the day, which consisted of breakfast, a classroom tour and play time, young Joshua clenched the picture book in his hands and looked over the same four words repeatedly, but couldn't understand what they meant even when he could name all the letters. He squinted his eyes as if it would show the words in a different light, one that would reveal their meaning and just what this colourful orange covered book was all about. He got through three words before hearing a loud voice—one he'd call obnoxious if he hadn't known who it belonged to.

Seungcheol, he was talking to him. Seungcheol, loud, outgoing, awesome and had _roller shoes_ —was talking to him? It was odd, little Joshua thought, because he had made no effort to interact with the hyper, giddy classmate. Yet here he was, asking for his name as he crouched down on the tips on his toes, had he rested on his heels he would roll on the wheels and fall backwards.

“My name is Joshua.” his voice shied away from high volumes, unlike the other, who had no consideration for one of the classroom rules: inside voices.

“I'm Seungcheol!” the popular one smiled fondly at the boy curled up in a ball, his knees brought up for his chin to rest on as his twig-like arms wrapped around, holding the orange book in front of him. “Why are you reading?” Seungcheol frowned, puzzled, “Come play!”

“I like to read.” Joshua said quietly.

“Can you?”

“What?”

“Can you read?” Joshua flushed and hunched his shoulders, fingers gripping the plastic bendy covers of the picture book. With the power of his three-year-old logic, he closed his eyes, half believing if he couldn't see Seungcheol, Seungcheol couldn't see him—half doubtful of his child science he obeyed like law for as long as his memories stretched back. Joshua just hoped he would open his eyes and be home again. He wanted to let out his homesick feelings, but this was _kindergarten_ , and kindergarteners don't cry on the first day of school. Not if he could help it.

“I said,” Seungcheol repeated himself, dragging out the vowel in annoying emphasis. “can you read?” but to no avail, Joshua wouldn't peep.

With a rustling of sneaker wheels against tile floors and the sound of jeans when the pant legs brush together, Seungcheol was seated next to the other, taking the book out of his hands with an unintentional force of entitled aggressiveness, but his grin confirmed he meant no harm.

“Let me try.” his voice faded to a murmur as he focused on the words, succeeding in sounding out the first, but completely lost of the other three.

“I don't get it.” he gave the book back to Joshua and huffed in frustration. “Can we just look at the pictures?”

Joshua was not one for big groups of friends, or being loud and taking up all the air in the room. Seungcheol played that role with excellence, was born for it. Yet for some reason, Seungcheol always took a break from playing with the largest group of kids that occupied themselves with Legos in the center of the classroom, and always made his way to Joshua, and they'd try their best to read.

On the second day of school, the teachers gave them short lessons and worksheets, before they knew it, they were going through books together left and right, but the plastic covered orange one had always remained their favourite. _Green Eggs and Ham_ , was surprisingly amazing when they read it for the twentieth time, at last, understanding what it was actually saying.

Seungcheol sat at the circular, ocean blue table, planted in a white chair of plastic and metal that fit his small size perfectly as the teachers sat on the floor in order to be on the same level as the children. Joshua pulled the bits of Playdough out of his friend's black thick locks. The vibrant purple and blue were so appealing to Seungcheol moments earlier, and he had the bright idea of pretending to dye his hair, only now the dough as soft as hot slime was hardening around his hair and Joshua was nearing the ultimatum of telling him he'd have to live with the new do or sneak him a pair of the safety scissors. Before he can break the bad news, Ms. Raia interferes.

“Just what are you two doing?” she asks in a stern tone, Joshua looked at their situation with more thought, and began to realize that what they did might have been against one of the rules he wasn't paying attention to when the class first brought out the Playdough.

It wasn't his fault. He was talking to Seungcheol, and once Seungcheol began to talk he never stopped. Besides, he was a very good speaker, good at keeping people entertained, and you couldn't really blame Joshua for wanting to listen to him all day long.

But they both get scolded, and Ms. Raia takes Seungcheol to the sink which seemed ten feet tall when any classmate approached it without a stepping stool. Seungcheol has to wash his hair out with the help of the teacher, and the class all giggle together in humour and joy at their favourite student, Joshua included.

Seungcheol comes back to his side, previously dry brown paper towel that almost completely blocked his vision, now wet and stuck against his forehead with his damp hair laid on top to keep the water from dripping down his face and onto his clothes. It soaks easily and the water runs down his hairline. Ms. G (who had a last name too complex for the children to remember or pronounce) changed the drenched and ripping paper for a new one as Ms. Raia was busy with Misa and Oliver, who were both crying as they fought over the green tub of dough.

With the new paper under his black bangs, long enough to reach his eyes, Seungcheol shook his head and water droplets flew to anyone nearby. Joshua being the closest, squealed in both delight and shock, shouting for him to stop as he laughed, throwing his hands up to protect himself from the liquid. When nothing was left to shake, Joshua charged for him but froze in his tracks as Ms. Raia sternly called his name in warning. As soon as she turned her back, Joshua pinched his arm making Seungcheol jump and run back to his seat with his tail between his legs.

“You almost got us in trouble!” Joshua whispered as he joined his friend at the table.

“Oh shush!” the other boy chuckled.

Kindergarten had a sense of unity, everyone liked each other, even though Joshua liked Seungcheol the most. Joshua spent many days in his own world, trying to read books, practicing each class. And after Seungcheol had played with all his other friends, he’d dedicate the rest of his school day to Joshua, and they'd read picture books in the far corner of the classroom that they retreated to out of habit in the comfort of a friend. Joshua had a feeling he and Seungcheol would always be friends, always have _this_ , just as pure and wonderful as it was right then in that moment. He believed with his whole heart, that this one thing, he would never have to say goodbye to.

Junior kindergarten passes in slow dreamlike bliss. Joshua and Seungcheol declare that they are best friends, and each other's favourite people in their small world of school, family life and fairy tales. They do everything together, on Halloween they have their families walk the streets together so they can trick or treat side by side. Seungcheol goes as a lion in a onesie his mom bought for him from Party City. Joshua goes as a pumpkin as cliche and classic as can be. Both of their face paint smudges from fallen tears when they run out of the haunted house set up in the park crying. Once they both calm down Seungcheol giggles.

“You're a big cry baby!” he laughs.

“You cried too!” Joshua retorts. He snatches a lollipop from Seungcheol’s lion themed bucket and swaps it for a bite-sized Kit Kat bar, which they had agreed on beforehand since Joshua likes candies more, and Seungcheol likes chocolates.

“You cried so much Joshie!” he began to mock babyish sobs and rubbed his eyes, teasing.

Joshua stuck out his tongue and opened the sealed lollipop, weary of his mother, Mrs. Hong, who trailed close behind the two with Mrs. Choi, Seungcheol’s mom, knowing he was supposed to have his candy checked before eating it. But just one wouldn't hurt, right?

The two knock on every house in that neighbourhood, and stuff their faces at the Hongs house before getting ready for their sleepover, whining when they were denied scary movies playing on TV and sent to bed.

During Christmas break they go to each other's houses and build snowmen on their front lawns. Joshua never liked playing in the snow that much, he preferred watching Saturday morning cartoons curled up on the beanbag next to the Christmas tree with hot chocolate. But for Seungcheol, he tries. And with Seungcheol, he finds out it's not too bad.

After Christmas, Joshua’s birthday comes up. The Hongs and the Chois go to the movies and see the new Pixar film. Mrs. Hong invites a few kids from school who she knew the parents of and they rent the party room with the birthday feast which was down the hall from the screening room at the theatre. When the group of fifteen start to sing the birthday song Joshua feels a rush of belonging and joy, he thinks he might cry, but he blinks the tears away. In the room submerged in darkness, the light of a fire glistens and colours his eyes beautifully, waving and batting with the soft wind of his breathing. At this time no one speaks, and he feels like he's lost alone in space. The beauty of darkness all around you, but right in front of your eyes, there glows light and warmth, something to run towards, something to admire and love. He feels the most complete he’s ever been in his short life. He closes his eyes and makes a wish. The candle is blown out, the lights come on, and the moment is over. Joshua goes to sleep that night four years old, and he carries that light in the dark with him for a long time.

When spring comes they go to feed the ducks at the pond, Seungcheol’s dad always takes them. He was a tall, handsome man who was very talkative and charismatic. Joshua thinks Seungcheol must've gotten that from him. Mr. Choi had the stubble of a black beard and slicked back hair, he looked like an adult Seungcheol, which technically he is. The man was very fond of young Joshua, who his son talked about all the time. He thought the boy was a good influence on his son the just as Mr. Hong thought Seungcheol was a good one on his. Joshua kept Seungcheol focused when he needed to be and under control. Seungcheol helped Joshua break out of his shell and become more comfortable around others. The three of them rip pieces of brown bread and seeds, tossing them in the ducks' direction from a safe distance, watching in awe as they come out of the water, eat and go back in. Mr. Choi tells a lot of corny bird jokes that anyone over the age of six would roll their eyes at, but the four-year-olds laugh til’ their lungs hurt and tears are threatening to spill.

As summer approaches, Joshua grows a little closer to the rest of his class. Seungcheol encourages him to play with the other kids, and for Seungcheol, he tries. He's still quiet. Still awkward. He only speaks when spoken to and keeps his replies short at that. Even when talking to Seungcheol, when they're surrounded by many others, he holds back and treats his best friend nearly the same as the other kids. Joshua doesn't think anything bad of his classmates, they're alright if you ask him, Joshua was just a quiet kid, that's all. He was only really louder than his soft tone when with Seungcheol, and he preferred when they'd spend time alone to themselves rather than surrounded by twenty other children, all chaotic and throwing toys and screaming. It made Joshua tense, not frightened, but alert.

Senior kindergarten goes by faster than expected. This year, everyone loves Seungcheol even more, and it was because of the memory they made during summer break.

Seungcheol had turned five in August and they celebrated together at Sky Zone, Seungcheol invited the entire class but made sure to never leave Joshua alone, because he wanted him to have fun and he knew that when he left his side, the shy boy wouldn’t try talking to anyone else. After they jump on trampolines for hours they head back to the Choi house, just Seungcheol, Joshua and their families. Everyone else goes home. When Seungcheol blows out his candles, Joshua can tell he had a moment too, because he gets all too emotional for a birthday boy and quietly cries as he clings to his mom’s side. When they’re eating cake, Joshua asks him something.

“What’d ya wish for?”

He looks his brother in the eyes and smiles sadly, “That we’ll be friends forever and ever.” and a tear slips from his damp lashes.

Then he steals the strawberry off his cake, and Joshua hits him.


	2. Elementary school

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fourth grade is Seungcheol’s year to shine, maybe Joshua wants just a little taste of that spotlight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 12k chapter OOF, this took me so long to write especially with exams but I hope you like it!

Joshua and Seungcheol come to the conclusion that school is dumb. The teachers’ sour faces? Dumb. The poorly photocopied worksheets? Dumb. The rules that tied them on a leash? Dumb. And that one rule about only one boy and girl in the washrooms at a time? _DUMB._ (“What do you mean ‘no you can’t go’? I _need_ to _go!_ ” Seungcheol shamelessly exclaimed in front of the entire class once.)

Fourth grade was just one big joke, the grade Joshua and Seungcheol started to believe the education system was a plot to hold children hostage and force human labour on them legally. However, Joshua stayed the same quiet boy everyone knew from kindergarten. From kindergarten to grade three, his social standing had remained the same and hadn’t changed in grade four either. Although he knew these kids since before they could read, they spoke to him every so often, but never held a conversation long, knowing he wouldn’t have much to say anyway. Joshua was okay with that. He had Seungcheol and the occasional two kids that he chatted with at their shared table group, Alex and Nick, when his best friend was absent, so he wasn’t a total loner.

There comes times when being a loner and best friends with the most popular kid in fourth grade backfires. Like when Seungcheol is invited to hang out at recess or lunch or out after school, which everyone knew meant an automatic plus one for Joshua. Joshua, who was still shy but not nearly as shy as before, and didn’t decline when he was invited out with Seungcheol and their classmates. But sometimes he had doubts, and wondered if he would still be invited if he wasn’t friends with the class clown. He tried his best not to think about it, and eventually it would be the furthest thing from his mind, and he’d had fun. Real fun. Still reliant on his friend, but confident enough in himself to still have a good time.

It came and left in rushes. Rushes of courage when he’s talking to Oliver with the best Silly Bandz and he says something that Joshua relates to, and all of a sudden he’s passionate and excited and can’t stop his mouth from running, _just like_ his best friend. But once the fuel burns out, there’s nothing left. No will, confidence or energy, and he’s back to being the same old Joshua from junior kindergarten.

Deep down, Joshua thinks nothing’s really changed, and nothing ever will.

The two boys were still inseparable, partners for everything in school, desk buddies, (Seungcheol had to ask the teacher a hundred times until she changed the seating plan and allowed them to be together.) ate every lunch together and spent every recess together. They still went trick or treating together and built snowmen on each other's front lawns, though during the winter they did more sledding on the hill in the field of the park. They didn’t go to the pond to feed the ducks as often, but spent more time at the lake outside the Hongs cottage in the summer. Usually, the Hongs stay there for a month, and the Choi’s come up for a weekend, but Mrs. Choi has business trips over out of the country, so it's just the five of them.

As their seasonal traditions changed over time, so did they. The two nine-year-olds were still very thin, practically skin and bone, but they had grown taller and looked older. Their faces became more structured and detailed rather than chubby cheeks and wide clueless eyes from when they met five or six years ago. Seungcheol cut his hair but always kept it the same length, just below his eyebrows and just above his eyes. Joshua’s was similar but had thinner hair, and when his bangs sprawled out across his forehead his brows and skin could be seen every here and there. Most of the time, Mrs. Hong combed it to the side before school, ranting how he won’t be able to see his two hands in front of his face with all that hair in his eyes.

Towards the end of March the weather gets the hottest Joshua thought possible, and could have mistaken the month for July or August. He stands crouched, holding himself up with his hands on his knees as he catches his breath, which only makes his dry throat ache and scratch more. Sweat has his shirt sticking to his back and he wishes that he had asked his mom to brush his hair back for him, because it felt like a hot and humid rainforest under his bangs.

“How do you do this everyday?” Joshua heaved.

Seungcheol passed him his plastic water bottle that was mostly ice from putting it in the freezer the night before. Now to take a drink they’d have to wait for some to melt, which wasn’t too long when it felt like the sun had entered Earth’s atmosphere. Joshua refused to drink his own, he forgot to put his in the freezer and now as he held it, it was mildly warm and tasted gross against his already overheating insides. So Seungcheol passed his to the other every time they stopped from running laps around the park.

Joshua thought his best friend was crazy when the idea was presented to him, absolutely insane. Who wants to _run? Voluntarily?_ It’s different if they’re having a race, where they’d only run to one ultimate destination and maybe have a rematch back to the starting point if things got heated on who’s foot crossed the mark first. It was an entirely different story if they were playing tag or capture the flag, those games had a goal, a reward of saying you beat someone else, and there are rules of what you can and can’t do. All the running for those games were powered on pure adrenaline and excitement, you barely noticed if you were tired until it was over. But running laps? For what, exercise? The fun drained out of the day faster than hydration from his body, and Joshua is almost certain that this is how he dies and _oh god who will take care of my Puffles and Webkinz and Nintendo pets?!_

“I have determination.” Seungcheol also breathes heavily, but not as much as Joshua who is ready to cough up his left lung.

“Is the track team that important? It was just one ribbon Seungcheol-”

“A red ribbon! First place!” he corrects.

“And I got participation.” Joshua groans, coughing into his arm laced with sweat. “It’s just track and field, it doesn’t even get serious until middle school.” he snickered.

“S’why I gotta start practicing now! Last one to the tree has to carry the hockey sticks back.” Seungcheol handed him the cap to the plastic bottle . “LET’S GO! GO! GO!” he screamed as he took off, practically leaving a cloud of dust, dirt and wind like a cartoon character as he sprints into the far distance.

The day is rising in temperature, he just took a drink but his throat was dry and _jesus has the apple tree at the very end of the park always been that far?_ He doesn’t want to find out. He wants to drop dead, but not before he gets a lung transplant and drowns his mouth in cold refreshing water and gives up on ever using his legs again in all his years to come. It's times like this he wants to take back the friendship bracelet of blue and green beads that they made for each other in second grade and still kept on their key chains. _It's times like this_ he thinks back to all the days he stole Seungcheol’s rice krispies during lunch and regrets ever feeling bad about it. Jerk deserves it. Who does he think he is? Making him run and feel like he’s dying and Joshua could _so be finishing up the last few chapters of A Wizard of Earthsea right now_ but here—here he is. Running in Amber Park.

Joshua runs anyway, as fast as his thin short legs will take him because there is no way he’s carrying the hockey sticks back. They didn’t even play and it was Seungcheol’s idea to bring them! What a big waste this was.

He pants and tries to steady his breathing but he looks like a dog as he gasps and chugs down any melted water from the icy bottle. He misses the times before Seungcheol took interest in track and field, those were the days.

Joshua begins to feel the weight of his body increase as his legs become too weak and tired to support it. His sneakers stomp hard into the field of dry soil and green lime green grass, scattered with fully bloomed white puffy dandelions that look like little clouds. They get into his shoes and socks and poke and scratch his ankles with their seeds hanging from the natural plant-like parachutes. He uses that as an excuse when he meets Seungcheol at the apple tree.

“The dandelion seed things, they got into my shoes, this isn't fair! They hurt, you can run with those things in your shoes!” he argues. Seungcheol laughs and says that he had the same problem, but still sped past the other all the same, therefore, he won fairly.

In the end, they both carry one hockey stick each, and Joshua holds the puck.

Seungcheol vouches that he'll go out again the next afternoon to practice as they walk back to the Chois where lunch was waiting, and Joshua is free to join him if he lives to see morning. Joshua pinched his arm and gives him a mean face before downing the rest of the melted ice and throwing it in the trash bin at the exit of the park.

“So you're really trying out? You know you're going to have to compete with the grade fives, right? They're fast, and bigger than us.” Joshua is a little nervous—okay, very nervous for his best friend. The fifth graders were off to middle school in September, and although they were only a year apart, the idea of middle schoolers terrified the younger. He was a dot compared to them, on the lowest level of the food chain, in elementary school. And they were taller, stronger, smarter than he was. So yeah, he avoided eye contact at assemblies and in the halls.

“They're not so great, they were us just a year ago.” Seungcheol says with confidence. “If I keep practicing, I'll make it. I want to be first—come in first place I mean.” he slows his walking and turns to him. “It’d be more fun if we did it together ya know.” he suggested in a quiet voice, not in disappointment, which Joshua heard enough times from his parents during his antisocial periods to recognize off the bat, but in anticipation and caution. Joshua could tell when Seungcheol was trying to steer him into the social butterfly lane without being obvious, trying not to be insensitive and upset him or push him too hard. He walked on eggshells at times, and it always brought Joshua a wave of guilt.

He had many doubts after all about what people really thought of him, if their kindness was genuine or simply a requirement to get close to Seungcheol. But he also had other doubts, doubts he never had until around the end of third grade when Seungcheol had more trust from his parents and was allowed to go to the park by himself, and hang out with kids by himself. When he did, he always asked Joshua if he wanted to come, most of the time he said yes, but the times he said no, Seungcheol would cancel. Even when Joshua said “It's okay, go without me” he never would, eventually Joshua stopped trying and let the kid stay with him.

_“Am I holding him back? I'm holding him back. I am.”_

Once the idea was born, it only grew, bloomed dandelions, weeds full of guilt that sucked the grass dry, leaving him with nothing. Sometimes Joshua really was deprived of fresh water, in an entirely different way than running laps in the park. He was young, he was curious but not trying too hard to figure things out yet. He had bad days, but not often. He had doubts, but things were relatively good for him.

They get to Seungcheol’s house and Joshua is greeted with the cool breeze of indoor air conditioning he's so grateful for. Mrs. Choi kissed both boys on the top of their heads before gently pushing them into the dining room where lunch awaits. Joshua isn't surprised to see his dad there, who's watching some sports game on TV with Mr. Choi. The two families knew each other before the sons were even born, because it's a small quiet little neighbourhood for perfect families of four where everyone knows everyone and the Millers at the end of the street can casually ask the Johnson's from two houses down if they have a hammer or wrench or something. When Joshua and Seungcheol became best friends, they grew closer than average, casual friendships within the small town. One family was always welcome to come over to the other's place, and they often invited each other to dinner or summer barbecues.

Joshua downs two full drinks of Mrs. Choi’s famous lemonade from the Pixar souvenir glass Seungcheol took home from Joshua’s fifth birthday party at the movies along with every other kid that attended. He had a matching one back home somewhere in the dish cupboards. They eat their lunch in absolute chaos, shouting over their dads cheering voices when a goal in some sport was made, telling Mrs. Choi about their day. Mrs. Choi, who surprisingly looks nothing like Seungcheol, but is thin and small compared to her broad, tall husband, smiles sweetly at him with gentle eyes as he complains of all the “torture” her son had put him through back at Amber Park. They eat popsicles from the freezer, Seungcheol’s tongue coloured yellow and Joshua’s lips stained blue. They get scolded when they accidentally let it drip all over themselves, fall to their shirts and run down their fingers that had become sticky with flavouring syrup, but Mrs. Choi isn’t too stern and sends them to wash their hands, chuckling as they run off. It's a fun weekend, half the time they go just like that.

 

* * *

 

Joshua doesn’t know how on earth his conniving best friend managed to talk him into something so stupid, but there was no going back now.

Perhaps it was the encouragement from his mom that came out of the blue, as she sat him down on the couch and told him nice, reassuring things such as: “I’m proud of you no matter what”, “I want what’s best for you” and “you can do it” like all mothers do, with a look of worry of who her son will grow up to be, hope that he’ll break out of this socially anxious shell, and love for who he was despite whomever he might become in the future that made Joshua want to melt into the floor. Instantly he knew Seungcheol had spoken to Mrs. Hong to have her help him in his devious plan.

Or maybe it was the way Seungcheol moped around all week, was extra nice to him than usual and gave him his favourite snacks packed in his lunches, an abnormal and challenging thing for him to do, being obsessed with his rice krispies and all. He also offered to carry the other’s backpack for him every day for a week straight, which Joshua eventually started to refuse to as he began to feel guilty of something. Joshua noticed all these strange changes, kept a close eye on everyone and said nothing.

However, if one thing had convinced him into agreeing with Seungcheol’s stupid proposal, it was the rice Krispies. _Yeah, definitely the rice krispies._

So, against all promises he made to himself and his best friend, due to his genuine dread and incompetence to the activity, Joshua found himself signing a tryout sheet and lining up on the school field for the boy’s track team. And boy, was he regretting it.

The left side of his face burned as it faced the sun, Joshua tells Seungcheol he can fry an egg on it and complains about being _manipulated_ into this dumb activity, reminiscing about how he could be finishing off his book or catching up on his favorite shows. Seungcheol only laughs at his suffering like the evil kid he is and Joshua plans on devouring every rice krispie in the Choi household during their next sleepover. Truth be told, they’re not ever his favorite treats, but he’ll eat them just so Seungcheol can’t have them. For this, Joshua feels the punishment doesn't fit the crime well enough still.

He holds his half frozen and slowly melting water bottle to his cheek, leaving drops of fresh freezing water and hot sweat stick to him. He’s about to call quits any second, is just working himself up to it, but can’t find the will or right words. And it’s too late. The line moves up and Joshua can see the fifth graders stretching. Some of them are around his size and aren’t so scary, but some of them are in the middle of a frightening growth spurt and are several inches taller than him, it feels like an ant under a human’s shoe. Two boys laugh as they shove each other and one falls to the grass with a thud, still laughing, but it makes Joshua gulp.

“How’re we gonna beat them?” a new voice speaks from behind them, Seungcheol and Joshua turn around, greeted by the nervous face of Oliver, Silly Bandz covering half of his forearm, the only proof it's somewhere under all that rubber being his hand that hangs suffocated and slightly blue on the other end. Oliver was a middle kid, somewhere in between popular and a loner, sociable with everyone but had his own little circle of close-knit reliable friends. In kindergarten, everyone was a middle kid, all but Joshua, who kept to himself and was almost alway silent when joining big groups that played in class. From grade one and onwards, the order of everyone is friends with everyone disappeared, and things kind of split into podiums of first, second and middle place, Seungcheol being on top, Joshua being back on the bottom, and people like Oliver, Misa, Alex, Nick and many more, floated in the middle.

“We’re going to beat them,” Seungcheol stands tall and straight with both hands on his hips like a superhero giving a speech, “By running and jumping the best we can! It can’t be too hard, we’ve-” he looks to Joshua, “been practicing all month. You’ve been practicing, haven’t you?”

Oliver cowers behind hunched shoulders with a pained look. “A bit.” he says quietly and carefully.

“A bit?” Joshua echoes. He wants to vent about how he was practically made to exercise at Nerf gunpoint, and say Oliver has it easy, and tell him about how horrible it was with dread and joy for the pure act of actually ranting for once, but he holds his tongue for a reason he’s never known and still doesn’t understand. It makes him deflate a little.

Seungcheol is like a hero from comic books you look up to, he’s cool and compassionate and always knows just what to say to get everyone uplifted. A part of Joshua wants that for himself, even if it's just a tiny portion, a small light in the dark to carry again like the time he realized how many people loved him on his fifth birthday. That light had slowly burned out as he began to hang out with people more and believe in their fondness for him less. And that light to an extent had lost its significance

Somehow, the nine year old he envies finds words immediately, they fall from his lips like honey, full of determination and belief. “Oliver, you’re one of the fastest boys in class, you’ll make it onto the team, I know it. You can do anything you want if you believe in yourself.” Joshua’s almost convinced himself. He knows that it works, Oliver glows with hope and certainty with a grin that Joshua couldn’t help but smile back at.

“Right, okay.”

 

* * *

 

The grade fives aren't so scary up close, not most of them, and Joshua thinks that Oliver and Seungcheol really have a chance. They _were_ fast, there was no lie about that.

The three boys are standing at the starting mark, white paint skimmed across the grass in a horizontal line everyone is itching to sneak the tips of their toes ahead of for an unfair advantage. No one does, but they do get suspiciously close. There's a crowd of classmates from grades four and five, kids of slightly different sizes and backgrounds, all chatting, waiting for tryouts to start. They're not lined up with the participants and they're not in the proper attire, they're there to cheer their friends on. Joshua recognizes many faces from his class, and he knows they're all here to cheer for Seungcheol. They're probably partially there for Oliver too, but as Joshua looks to the small crowd, he can't imagine a single person showing up for him… why would they?

The miracle of a breeze in the humid air blows, and continues to drift by, gently ruffling his shirt and shifting his hair, he sighs in relief at the satisfying cool air. Seungcheol is looking back at his friends with a smile, and Joshua notices a frightened undertone behind shiny white teeth and cherry red lips that pangs his heart—he’s nervous. Of course he is. People get nervous, Seungcheol-  Seungcheol is no excuse. He did seem different though, stunned eyes or tears, anything of the sorts rarely surfaced in the boy, and if they did, well, it never showed on his face. Not often.

Before Joshua knows it, the coach is telling them to get into positions and Seungcheol pats s hand on his shoulder.

“Thanks Josh. For doing this with me, it means a lot. I-” but he lets his dark eyes fall back to the small crowded, his face falters and lip wobbles only for a second before smiling and shouting something back to Misa who called out to him. _I'm scared._

Yeah, “I am too, probably a million times more.” Joshua says in his head.

He only has enough time to return the smile before they focus back on the starting line, the whistle blows and everyone takes off, stomping against the spring grass with all their strength, propelling forward and leaving footprints in the earth. Joshua moves his arms in a back and forth motion matching his legs, a trick Seungcheol told him to make him faster.

Joshua blocks everything else out, just his goal, the yellow flag, burning in colour and bending against the force of the wind. The short weak breeze that greeted the afternoon earlier had turned turned to a chill at some point, and the clouds were dimming the light of the sky, casting a shadow across the field, the yellow flag surrounded in darkness. It's like the sun, like fire- like…

Like candle light, flapping against the wind. One thing to run towards, to yearn for. Joshua wants to win.

When he speeds across the halfway point, marking him in the first cut of those not eliminated, he hears the voices of his classmates break through his focus, he spots familiar faces he's used to only seeing in the classroom at his table group right across from him sitting in one out of the four wooden desks pushed together. Nick and Alex, middle kids, they were shouting his name.

“Go Joshua!” Nick cups his hands around his mouth as he yells words of encouragement, along with Alex, two or three more kids from his class join in. Devon and Jillian and Liz. Suddenly a wave of exhilaration overcomes him, he runs faster, feeling light as a feather and just keeps going. He doesn't think, doesn't tell himself if he’ll win or lose, if he's moving his arms fast enough, he just runs. Runs until the yellow flag is only a few large leaps away and he's ran past the white painted line across the now dark shaded grass. He looks back to the people he'll jump to call his friends right in this moment, and breathes in like he hasn't had water in years as they hop up and down, the very small group, maybe five people, among the many other students. He passed the finish line in time. They're cheering for him.

_For him._

The rest of the activities for tryouts go okay, not amazing, but not as bad as some of the other kids did, and Joshua doesn't even have room in his heart to care. The small group of five cheered for him in high and long jump and hurdles too, and he felt proud of himself. Like he was rewarded something no one could ever take from him.

For the first time, Joshua thinks things’ll really turn around.

That night, like many Friday nights, Mister and Misses Choi come over for dinner. Seungcheol brags about how well he thinks Joshua did. Mrs. Hong smothers her son in hugs at this new step in progress to his social issues, and Mr. Hong and Mr. Choi go out quickly to buy dessert (and beer, but the kids pay no mind to what else is in the bag once being handed mini tubs of ice cream. Seungcheol gets cookies and cream, his favorite, and Joshua gets mint chocolate chip.) The day overall is a win, Joshua looks forward to the next. Looks forward to Monday, despite it being _Monday,_ for when the final track and field team list is finalized.

 

* * *

 

Despite what he had so desperately believed, things could be taken from him. Easily.

When he sprints to the postal board in the hallway of sign up sheets and special event flyers, Seungcheol by his side as they come to an abrupt stop, sneakers squeaking on tile, he feels so incredibly stupid for ever thinking he could accomplish something like making it on the track team. Or any team for the matter.

He was just Joshua, right? Just Joshua, when he thought of his name nothing special came to mind.

How could he ever even begin to imagine himself on a team, making the cut? Being one of those kids that looks for their parents rooting on the bleachers, bringing home a medal or trophy with a group of people who form the rare family-like bond only found on a sports team? Those kids that receive shout-outs of praise from the teacher and classmates when the upcoming tournament is mentioned in the morning announcements, and the fifth grade student that conducts them wishes all players good luck. Even when said athletes are in the front lobby waiting for the school bus that will take them to another school to compete, the class and teachers applaud and whisper nice things to one another while occasionally glancing at their empty desks. They return in the afternoon to pats on their backs and swarmed by any acquaintance close enough to have the casualty of asking about how things went, how could he ever be a part of something so big?

It hurts more than he thinks it should, he’s angry and frustrated at himself for being so worked up, even if it's only on the inside. He thinks he’s being dumb, but the feeling won’t go away.

He feels even worse when he sees Seungcheol smiling wider than the Pacific Ocean for two reasons. One: Seungcheol made it and he didn’t, which in the beginning he was certain would happen and didn’t bother him at the time, but something about it hurt so badly now. Now that he acknowledges that he wants it, and realizes he can’t have it. And he won’t even deny himself for a second that he’s jealous, because he is, very. It’s not something he could help. Seungcheol made everything look so easy, like everything you could ever want is up for grabs, you just have to have the willpower to reach out and take it. That theory demonstrated through the two of them made something very clear to Joshua. Great people get great things, and he got… well, equivalent outcomes to what he was. He’s reminded again: Joshua isn’t much.

Two: the smile that drops like a child when promised a day at the amusement park, gets all the way there just to find it closed. Seungcheol was too caring, too selfless, and Joshua already knows it's going to take at least a few days of reassuring smiles and “it’s fine, go without me”s for him to show up at the first team practice without his best friend.

His happiness for the new athlete and love in general never allows jealousy to find comfort in resentment. Seungcheol’s hard to not like, hard to not want the best for and hope he gets everything he could ever want, because he does his best and even more to make sure Joshua gets the same. Even if he doesn’t always succeed, he always wants him happy. So how could Joshua ever want anything less for him in return? He admits, he’s jealous, he’s upset, but at least Seungcheol made it on the team, at least he gets to cheer him on and see him smile more than he already does.

Then Seungcheol starts.

“Josh-”

“Its-”

“It's not fine. Don’t just keep saying that its is when its not.”

He doesn’t expect that.

“Cheol-”

“No!” he looks to him like he’s the one that cut him from the posted list, like its all his fault and it sends a pinch to Joshua’s heart. “We keep getting separated for everything, and I always get the better half and you-” he hesitates and lowers his voice that cries guilt. “you always get left out.”

Joshua feels like he’s kicked a playing puppy with thorn made shoes because Seungcheol’s voice is wobbling the unsteady way it does right before he cries, which Joshua has come to pick up warning signs of over the years they’ve been known each other. He knows that Seungcheol hates crying in front of others, not because he gets embarrassed, but because he never wants to be anything less of the radiant positivism of a circus, and crying would only bring down the mood of himself and others around him.

He knows many things about Seungcheol, enough to have people believe they’re brothers. He knows that Seungcheol was scared of the dark up until last year, many times during their sleepovers they took out flashlights and snuck around the livingroom, each of them pretending they weren’t for the sake of their own pride, trying to scare each other and tease one another though they were both terrified of the towering shadow that was in reality just the massage chair. Many whispers of “scaredy cat” and “you go first” and “ha I saw you flinch- no you flinched first!” were said until either Joshua or Seungcheol’s parents came down the stairs (depending whose house they were at) flicking the lights on making them scream in terror before they’re sent to back to bed.

He knows that he’s allergic to strawberries, not enough to hurt him, his lips swell a little but he loves them so he eats them anyway when his mom has her back turned. He knows Seungcheol has never left the country much like himself but has traveled to different provinces, and he’s scared of planes and open water where you can’t see land so he’ll never go on a cruise. He notices that he lifts his brows and tilts his head with attitude every time someone says something he found stupid or silly. And he listened to all kinds of music except country and punk rock but as any other nine year old all EDM and pop songs deserve Grammys in his opinion. He could name all of his online Webkinz off the top of his head—yeah, he knows Seungcheol like the back of his hand. He’s sure the other knows just as much about him, because he can almost always tell what’s wrong when Joshua’s all too quiet (despite being close to mute in other settings, he was never silent for long around Seungcheol) and can practically read his mind half the time. He figures its bound to happen after being best friends so long.

But anyway, Josh knows quite a bit about the youngest Choi, and he knows when he starts crying, it's hard for him to stop.

He slaps his face, not too hard, and if anyone was passing by they might be concerned but it was the most efficient way to pull Seungcheol out of his blues before the water works start. It worked every time. Plus, the boy on the verge of tears never seemed to mind, he asked once him as Joshua recalls to, “hit him if he’s ever about to lose it”. Joshua was a different case, he didn’t cry too much, though he felt his somehow shrinking yet growing social anxiety gave him plenty to cry about. It only happened when they watched a movie and a poor dog dies or when he falls off his bike and scrapes a elbow or knee.

There's no mark or redness on his face, no proof his hand even met the face aside from alert eyes that lost and glossy tears that painted over them, and Seungcheol let's out a sigh of relief, almost refreshed like he's starting a new day. Sometimes Joshua found his upbeat must-be-sunshine-and-rainbows-or-else attitude weird, but could only wish he was the same.

“Thanks, needed that.” he rests both hands on Joshua’s shoulders, arms stretched in straight lines as he looked right into his eyes. He knows what he's going to say.

“Wanna try out for soccer with me?” he asks with wide, hopeless yet playful eyes. Forcing an awkward smile like he's reaching to strings dangling from the top of a tower and he's helplessly out of reach at the bottom.

“Like we'd ever get on the soccer team.” Joshua lets out a half-breathed laugh, not much noise, more of an exhale like he does when he absolutely knows they're being delusional but make suggestions anyway in a last trying attempt.

Seungcheol believes he can do anything he puts his mind to, but he acknowledges that the soccer team is much more of a challenge than the track team, only two or so grade fours made it every year, so he's not jumping at the first signup sheet.

“I know what you're gonna say, and I'm not joining without you. Not again. Not this time, I mean it.” Of course, but Joshua isn't gonna let him off that easy.

“I don't even like running, it was just a cool to idea be on a team. I'd probably drop out after first week of practice from laziness.” he reasons, Joshua says it on the spot without thinking much, but he can't help but convince himself it's true once he speaks it into existence. He did hate running, but maybe he would warm up to it? Or maybe he was just selfish and wanted the attention that came with being on a sports team. The more he allows it to fidget and make itself at home in his head, it becomes written in stone, and he doesn't ever question it.

He didn't really want it, did he? It was torture training in the park, and only felt slightly good when someone was cheering him on, when the attention was on him. When there’s a reward. Joshua’s conflicted between concluding that he really was starting to break out of his shell, or just being an self centered person, and leaves no room for any other possible explanations aside from the two intense nitpicked ultimatums. It's one or of the other, he’s sure.

Seungcheol tightens his grip on his frail shoulders and shakes his head.

“No.”

 

* * *

 

It's actually not that hard to convince Seungcheol into doing something, especially when it's in the favour of someone else's happiness. He'd flip the sky upside down if it meant making the people he cares about feel better, which never went unnoticed since he was only nine, the age of a bratty child that whines and usually throws a joystick when losing a video game. And Seungcheol did that too, but unlike lots of kids his age, he was considerate of everyone, and tried his best to be kind, to never make anyone feel left out or bad. A lot of kids aren’t that selfless, it's something they grow into as they mature and realize the world doesn't revolve around them, but Seungcheol seems to have that mindset as soon as he understands what hurting another's feelings is. He had a major guilty conscious and sympathy to the sun and back. Seungcheol couldn't hurt a soul, not intentionally.

And Joshua knows playing on his weakness of drowning guilt isn't fair, but he also knows it wasn't fair to hold Seungcheol back from the things he loves either.

The first practice is the next Friday after the tryouts, exactly one week apart. Within that time Joshua did everything he could think of to persuade him.

“I can tryout next year, plus I'll be older and faster than the grade fours by then and’ll probably get it.”

Nothing.

“I don’t even like running out in the heat, I just-”

“But I know you wanted to make the cut, Josh.”

Nothing.

“We don't have to do everything together, I don't care. It's okay.”

Nothing.

“I'm just gonna feel bad for being the reason you miss out on track…”

Then something.

Seungcheol couldn't really bare to ever hurt his best friend, but as he went to his first track practice with an uneasy expression, Joshua could tell his feelings were contradicting themselves. He doesn't want to make Joshua feel bad but to do that he has to enjoy the cause of why Joshua feels bad. He does it anyway, because the boy asks him nearly a hundred times, and after being friends since kindergarten, Seungcheol finds out Joshua is just as hard to say no to as he is.

When there's a knock on the front door that Joshua hears from his room, he knows who it is. He hears his mom welcome Seungcheol in and footsteps leading to his room. The door opens and he makes a run and jump for the neatly made bed Joshua is curled up on. He looks a lot happier than he did when going to the gym after the school bell rang for practice.

“How was it? What did you guys do?” he jumps straight to questions of curiosity and excitement, the beckon of bubbling energy in flopped back down on his bed rubs off on him.

“It was _awesome!_ ” his eyes are wide as a mile long smile stretches. “We picked nicknames and ran drills- OH! And we're getting our uniforms next week!”

“Sounds cool.” he chuckles at the way he lights up like a Christmas tree.

“The grade fives aren't that bad, some of them are stuck up though.” Seungcheol comments.

“Really?”

“Yeah.” He paused for a second, as if he's recalling something before laughing under his breath. “You know Misa’s sister’s on the team?”

Emily Duvall, Misa’s older sister. Grade five, kind of the ‘it’ girl of her grade. And to be the ‘it’ anything of the highest grade in the school is to ultimately be the best. Without doubt, a lot of people liked her, and a lot adored her cutely. Joshua, like just about every other kid in school wished he had the nerve to talk to her. But their grade fours, _and there's just no way-_

Primary students from grade one to three integrated easily and got along well, but past that, older grades established some unspoken system of stick-to-your-class and everyone older than you is untouchable and never to be approached. Aside from Misa, who isn't popular like her sister, more like a middle kid like Oliver, but gets a pardon or social royalty because of Emily.

As dumb and over dramatic as it may seem, it's how things work. And they're going through it, growing up and living like a kid until they mature and realize these things aren't the end of the world. So for them, it's law, it's going to define exactly who they are and direct the rest of their lives. It's everything to them at the time.

“Emily? I don't remember seeing her at tryouts.” Joshua pressed his brows and closes the _A Wizard of Earthsea_ , despite only having one chapter left. This is something he thinks is more worthy of his attention.

“I don't either, but we were kinda focused on ourselves, aside from Oliver.”

“He’s really terrified of the grade fives huh?”

“I guess. Don't know why though.”

“Of course _you_ don't.” Joshua emphasizes, no harm behind his words.

“What's that supposed to mean?” Seungcheol asks in genuine curiosity rather than sounding defensive.

“If we were in Spongebob you’d probably be Spongebob.”

“Meaning…?”

“You wanna be friends with everybody, and you're not really scared of scary people, just nice to them.” he states the obvious.

Seungcheol shrugs his shoulders. “I can't help it.”

“I know you can't."

 

* * *

 

Things get a little more exciting at school. Exciting meaning Misa leaves in a hurry when Emily Duvall knocks on the door of the fourth grade classroom, speaking to Ms. Lay like an old friend needing catching up on (she did have her as a teacher last year), asking for her little sister to be excused from class. And Emily Duvall waves to Seungcheol. No motion swinging back and forth or shaking, simply a raise of a hand as a sign of acknowledgment, mouthing a “hi” that Joshua reads perfectly, and a hand retracting back to its place at her side as Misa pushes past her through the door frame.

It's nothing, but its everything to the grade fours who have no ties or excuses to associate with the cooler older kids unless they're related. And Misa is the only one in class with an older sibling in their school, so Seungcheol is slightly shaking and Joshua already knows that he's defined this as his life's greatest achievement.

Nick who sits across from Joshua and Alex who sits across from Seungcheol in their four square table group gwak at said boy like he has two heads. Seungcheol might need it, Joshua thinks, because the current one propped on his neck is about to blow from the looks of it.

“Emily?!” Nick whispers in astonishment more to himself than anyone else, and if anyone hears him, they don't show it.

Seungcheol’s forcing a nervous smile back but doesn't have time to even process what's happening before she's disappeared into the halls, golden locks and hazel eyes leaving the four boys’ sight behind the closed door. Class resumes, but many whispers are shared and jump around from table to table.

“Well I guess she'd notice you, you're on the same team.” Alex says after they all talk finish freaking out about the topic at hand.

“She didn't say anything to me at our first practice, I didn't think she even knew I existed.” Seungcheol has on his big owl eyes as he chews distractedly on his inner cheek.

Nick rolls his eyes. “Seungcheol I'm pretty sure Oprah knows who you are-”

“Huh?-”

“I'm trying to say you're hard to miss.” Nick cuts in again. Which was true, in the best way possible, Seungcheol was the human embodiment of a parade, he couldn't pass someone he recognized without saying hello, whether if it was a neighbor from a few streets down, the old man crossguard walking home, a teacher, custodian or one of the primary students in the halls. A reason everyone liked Seungcheol, different to how Emily is just a pretty girl from an older grade who easily gets eyes her way, Seungcheol did talk to practically everyone aside from the grade fives, and even half of them he couldn't hold back on. He made himself known and always left a good- _great_ impression.

Misa comes back not too long after leaving and returns to her table group at the back of the class who bombard her with questions, at least from what Joshua can see.

“Didn't Oliver make the team? Doesn't he like her?” Joshua asks.

“Doesn't anyone with eyesight like Emily?” Alex talks in a hushed voice to keep anyone from hearing just who they're talking about.

“And he's been best friends Misa since JK, I bet he already knows her.” Nick buts in.

“Actually, yeah,” Seungcheol speaks up, still a little star struck over an eleven-year-old. “They were talking at the track meet.” Alex’s jaw drops to his desk.

“Oh my GOD!”

“Alex, have you been paying attention?” Ms. Lay snaps in her calm, forcefully-friendly-to-be-intimidating voice and he stops dead in his tracks, mouth still gaped open which he closes very quickly just to open again.

“Yeah.”

“Tell the class what work we're doing for the next hour.” she says in another positive and friendly voice, used incorrectly for the situation because she knows it always invokes fear in the kids when they don't listen.

Alex makes mumbled sounds of stalling trying to remember an answer that he doesn't have in the first place, on his fourth “um hhh” she lets him go.

“If you four are too distracting for each other, I'll put you in different groups.” she threatens, Joshua’s feels a little anger and irritation bubble up inside, but it never reaches his face. He was _barely_ talking, he also had no other friends in class to sit with. And Joshua doesn't hate school, but in this moment, he's absolutely sure he does, always has and always will. That anger and voice telling him he hates this particular thing, calms down before class is over and he feels ridiculous for thinking such a thing, but it's an easy conclusion to come to in the moment. That you hate something.

 

* * *

 

On the Friday of that week when the Hongs and Choi’s are having dinner together for the howmanyth time, (which they usually don't do every week but Mrs. Choi was going on another short business trip soon for a few weeks, so this was more of a seeing-off party at her house) Seungcheol and Joshua call Misa and beat around the bush with non-direct Emily questions. Which, by the way, she _so_ picks up on telling by her cold short to the point answers. She works around them in answers that don't really answer their questions, like a street singer having to take calls for their Grammy awarded older sibling. They just wanna know if the fifth grader has said anything about Seungcheol or Oliver, but they get hung up on after six minutes.

They gather to the table when dinner is ready, and Ms. Choi speaks up as she passes Mr. Hong the salad bowl.

“You two look like you were calling a secret agency over there.” she comments. “Who was it?”

Seungcheol opens his mouth to give one short honest answer but Joshua lightly hits his arm under the table and he's left with his mouth open and no words coming out, but let's out a stalling and awkward scoff like laugh instead.

The parents pick up on this easily, both of them and exactly what Joshua did, how Seungcheol reacted and what it probably meant.

“Was it a _girl?_ ” Mrs. Hong asks.

The way she says it has Joshua’s insides twisting in all the wrong ways, because yes, it was a girl. It was Misa, who was snappy, easily irritated and sarcastic as far as Joshua knows. Not very approachable, pretty but not as pretty as her sister, in his opinion. Definitely not someone you get suspicion for talking on the phone with, _not like that._

“It was just Misa.” Seungcheol says without thinking or worrying, just doing.

For him it might work out alright, he was the kid to talk to his parents about everything, he most certainly mentioned Misa to them multiple times before as he does all his classmates, so it's not a big deal. However, Joshua's relationship with his parents was a little different, meaning he only mentioned names when they were one's he was confident enough would be mentioned again in the future, people he could actually talk about because he's actually friends with them. That being Nick and Alex and the obvious Seungcheol, anyone else was as good as nonexistent in his house.

“Misa Duvall?” Mr. Hong asks, and Seungcheol nods. “Well,” he doesn't specify, but Joshua knows he's directly asking _him_. “What about?”

Joshua found it pretty easy to lie to his parents, which he didn't do much unless in a situation like this, where he could be making progress on the whole antisocial-shy-kid thing, but do one thing enough, it becomes a habit. Joshua figured, if you're going to be a liar, at least be a good one.

“We were just asking her about the homework, Alex talked all through class and we kinda missed what we were supposed to do. But if we told Ms. Lay she might've moved our desks…” it almost makes him sound bad, but Seungcheol and he both have good, a little above average grades, and kids will be kids, so nothing negative is made of it. It's a realistic, believable lie that fits perfectly, and fools everyone.

He was gonna hear it from Seungcheol later when they were alone about how he shouldn't lie to his parents so much about things that don't even need to be lied about. Everyday things just to make them not worry about his social anxiety or to get out of simple situations like the confrontation of talking on the phone to a girl in class he doesn't even like. Things that he just didn't want to talk about, knowing the assumptions they'd make, something along the lines of if he has a crush and they'd innocently tease him, but for him it be more than a little blushy and embarrassing, it'd be humiliation. And he can never tell them that, because he can never tell them anything, it's too hard, for a reason he still doesn't understand yet.

When dinner is over and they are alone, Seungcheol asks him. “Why couldn't you just tell them the truth?”

“It's just… embarrassing.”

“Is it really that big a deal.”

He doesn't say anything.

“Okay.” he's not mad or annoyed. He doesn't sound confused though he knows he is. It sounds more of patients and acceptance, that Josh's gonna get there some day to when he can explain it in words Seungcheol can understand, and until then he’d just be mindful and as supportive as he can.

They sit up in Seungcheol’s room reading comics until his mom and dad call him down when it's time to leave.

 

* * *

 

Nick and Alex are good company when Seungcheol is away and Joshua is alone, but they had never gone to the lengths of doing things like inviting him to the arcade not too far from school. They don't invite Seungcheol on the sole account that they know he has track practice that day, which is the last day the arcade is open before it closes for renovations. When they ask him during the first out of their three recesses of the day, it dawns on Joshua that this is the first time he's been invited to something not Seungcheol related. They wanted to hang out with _Joshua_. Not just have him tag along to be polite while the person they really want there comes as a packaged deal with him. Everything about that made him feel a lot better, like the universe has taken a liter of his water but gave him a few cups for now.

It's still no easy process than when he’s hanging out with Seungcheol’s more popular friends, because this time people are actually gonna be looking to him and expecting things. If anything, this is more nervewrecking by a hundred and twenty percent.

Joshua spends over fifteen minutes picking what to wear like there’s much of a selection in the first place. Most of his clothes were blue jeans, Nike shorts and plain t-shirts anyway. When he tries out the fifth combination of shorts and H&M shirts he stops himself, saying how he’s acting like such a girl, and he’s gonna be late. After getting his prepared and packed lunch from the fridge and eating a quick breakfast of cereal ( _where the heck are the Frosted Flakes?_ He settles for Froot Loops) Joshua meets his dad at the front door and he drives him to school.

School is school, until they’re outside during the recess portion of their lunch and Emily Duvall, who he’ll never feel casual enough to identify as just Emily, quickly approaches them—approaches Seungcheol and asks if he can tell Coach Yheln she’ll be absent for practice due to a family emergency. In fact, the amount of times she’s pulled Misa out of class this school year was an odd amount, and Joshua thought it _was_ weird, but he didn’t speculate. No one in their grade cared. Emily Duvall was coming around more often, who were they to object?

He also realizes that even though the two of them are on the same team, there are at least five friends she has (as Oliver tells him) that she could and most likely would go to to have the message delivered, but she leaves it to Seungcheol who she’s only spoken to about two times. And that’s... odd too. Maybe in an entirely different way.

It doesn’t stay on his mind for long, not when he thinks about what he’s doing after school that equally makes his stomach flutter and twist. He tells Seungcheol the millisecond he sees him after being invited. Alex and Nick aren’t there to see that happen, they probably would’ve thought he was weird and back out, Joshua thinks.

He thinks a lot of things like that, and despite how close he and Seungcheol are, he never voices his worries, not ones that surround how he stresses about what everyone thinks of him and what he thinks of himself. He thinks that Seungcheol already knows, even though Joshua never says it out loud: the fear that the light of his birthday candles and the yellow flag will lose all colour and brightness one day, he isn’t prepared for that, but he isn’t exactly trying to stop it either. Neither of them quite understand those kinds of things yet, and maybe that’s why they never address it, they don’t even know what _it_ is. Joshua hopes he never has to find out.

It’s proven that Joshua can find that same light of his candles and the yellow flag in the gleam of a “OPEN” sign and Nick’s smile. Alex runs off to buy snacks and they head to the games. Joshua wins a lot, he’s been here with Seungcheol quite often, and Nick is surprised. Alex asks for one of the stuffed prizes when he can’t win any, seeing that Joshua had four already and Nick challenges him in Donkey Kong. He wins and smiles from ear to ear.

Joshua thinks he’s won something greater as he goes home feeling like equals to people like Emily Duvall, for once doesn’t feel like the little boy reading in the farthest corner of Ms. Raia’s classroom is not who walks back home with a total of five toys and two assured friends.

 

* * *

 

It's only three weeks before Seungcheol’s first tournament date. In that time on every Tuesday and Thursday Seungcheol has practice and Joshua sometimes goes with Alex and Nick to ride their bikes around town. It's natural, doesn't feel weird like he thought it would. He's hanging out with other friends aside from Seungcheol’s and he can actually be himself. After he gets comfortable to talk without thinking as they stop at the park or the ice cream truck, not worrying about every move he makes, it feels like the easiest thing in the world.

Back at school things feel… better, like calm waves settling after a storm. Joshua’s life is on autopilot and it's the happiest he's been for a lengthy period of time in a while.

The first tournament, however, throws him completely off course.

It's no one's fault, he knows it. It's his own, because for some reason the tiniest things can become what he thinks is the end of the world and brings him right back to square one of reading in the corner. Maybe Seungcheol _does_ need to walk on eggshells around him. Maybe everyone does.

It's hard to understand where things went wrong, or what's wrong in general. He can't pinpoint it down, he just knows that he doesn't feel the same calming waves as before, and he's back in that storm he thought he escaped.

Maybe it's the unavoidable fact that he’s never going to be what he thought was attainable this school year. The ‘it’ person, or anything close to it. Someone who joins teams and has stories to tell. Something like _that,_ a sense of not belonging, being on a completely different planet from everyone else.

The day before the tournament is a Friday, and Oliver walks into class with a cast around his foot. _So that’s why he hasn’t been here the past three days,_ is what everyone’s expressions but Misa’s say. Joshua feels awful from the bottom of his heart when Oliver smiles all too brightly at everyone who rushes over to his desk but falters as soon as they slowly drift away back to their own like pigeons flocking and scattering after the trail mix is done.

He swears he sees Misa hug him from the corner of his eye, and he knows why: Oliver was one of the few fourth graders that actually made the track team, and now his first tournament and possibly the next would be over for him. He resonates with it, thinking back to his tryouts, being granted something just to be denied before taking it out on a test run. He felt it on a much smaller scale than Oliver, but still, he understood.

Everyone in class signs his cast, including Joshua, who simply doodles a golden trophy and smiley face on the hardened white material with green marker. Oliver has a look of genuine appreciation when he grins at him.

Seungcheol drives himself mad once recess starts, asking if he was okay and how it happened, what when where why, and finally, if he was okay again, but in a different way. Oliver just shrugged his shoulders with an “oh well” face, but he isn’t fooling anyone.

Another thing happens, Emily Duvall comes over, in all her glory of beautiful blonde hair, takes one apologetic look at Oliver who’s she’s probably more familiar with through Misa, but says nothing. Absolutely nothing and turns to the dark haired boy by his side with the usual blush and shock brushes across his face. Joshua isn’t sure he’s even visible from the amount of acknowledgement _he_ gets, but its Emily Duvall. When he thought of that name a tone of higher worth and just being better comes with it.

She cuts to the chase. “My friends and I are gonna practice after school, just the drills. You wanna come?” The outright _boldness_ of this invitation alone that she offers with such casualness like the weather is enough to make Joshua mentally gasp and physically galp. And she isn’t even talking to him, so he can’t begin to imagine how Seungcheol is feeling. Then again, Seungcheol had always been the biggest social butterfly he’s even known.

He and Joshua had plans to practice at Amber Park after school. “Yeah, sure.” so he’s a little hurt and a little shocked, but he quickly debates it over in his head.

1) Emily is on the track team and he isn’t, Seungcheol would be in better hands with her for this particular situation.

2) Joshua actually had some homework, they both did, but Seungcheol would be excused by the teacher because of the tournament while as Joshua has no excuse and needs to get it done.

3) He hated training anyway.

He reassures himself of his valid points like fact in a textbook, but after a little while the other idea keeps seeping into his brain, in between the cracks and all the small openings it can find like hot metal dripping into water. He tries to ignore it. Nothing works.

Emily does something else, too. She grabs his wrist and pulls him away saying something about arranging pickups and carpools because she lives a little far, meaning in one of those houses on the hill. Seungcheol only gets the chance to look back for a second as he waves goodbye with a anxious look of nausea. Oliver laughs at that, but the way it dies off in discomfort confirms Joshua isn’t alone in the odd feeling of awkward, distant sadness. Joshua’s confused and can’t even identify the source of the feeling. For the rest of the day, a cloud of unsureness rumbles above his head, ready to pour.

 

* * *

 

On the day of the tournament the Hongs and Chois gather together like they share the same golden boy of a son. Mrs. Hong brings small banners and flags, Joshua thinks of how horribly embarrassed he’d be if it were him on the track and he looked to the stands to seeing his mom chanting his name like a maniac (okay, maybe it would’ve been a little touching, and funny). He’s pretty glad for a brief moment that he wasn’t on the team with Seungcheol, avoiding the goosebump thoughts of how disappointed he was in himself that he didn’t make it that he will never admit to. Even if he didn’t like running all that much, or a sports mom on the sidelines making a commotion, a failure is a failure.

He realizes something, someone, or their absence. Mrs. Choi isn’t there. Mr. Hong, Mrs. Hong and Mr. Choi are all waving at the smiling boy on the field with little flags that say “GO SEUNGCHEOL” in red paint, But Mrs. Choi is a ghost at the scene.

They met up on the bleachers when over half the other supporting parents, siblings and friends had already arrived, so he hadn’t checked if everyone was there. He heard his mom shriek in delight and excitement and took that as his cue that the two households are paired up, take your seat.

He doesn’t remember anyone saying anything about skipping out or not being able to make it, so he assumes it must’ve been a last minute decision, something at work most likely, which Mrs. Choi was buried neck deep in lately based on conversations he hears when strolling by his mother on the phone in the kitchen as he gets a snack. He never thought too much of it, like most things aside from internal struggles.

He doesn’t ask, but ends up overhearing anyway.

“...go back to New York...there was a mess up with the settlement...last minute call-” He doesn’t hear clearly due to the chattering of the much larger crowd compared to tryouts.

His chest and throat tighten, he gets the idea. She couldn’t make it, something with work came up, which didn’t interfere with things like this much, but Joshua knew how Seungcheol was going to feel. And he wasn’t looking forward to watching his best friends happy aura change like the seasons when he comes to the realization.

He tugs on his mom’s sleeve until she pauses her conversation with Seungcheol’s dad and turns to face him. “Mrs. Choi isn’t coming?” he asks just to be sure, and he really hopes to hear that she’s just running late and will be there with her custom mini flag any minute now, however that’s not the case.

“She’ll come next time, now where’s your banner?” she recites parent code of _don’t worry, leave it to the adults, don’t bring it up again_ and he lazily lifts the red flag for her to see. “In the air, champ! Let’s see it!” and he lifts it higher with enthusiasm that’s only half there. He wishes he could snap his fingers and have Mrs. Choi right there with them, there are very few times when he’s seen Seungcheol legitimately sad where he doesn’t bounce back after an hour or two, and he didn’t want to see it again. He thinks it hurts more than when he’s feeling those things himself because he doesn’t know how to help or what to say.

The first few rounds go by faster than expected. The nine year old on the field is too busy running for his life, jumping hurdles and passing batons that he never quite gets a chance to scan the crowd for particular faces. That both relieves and pains Joshua. Relieved that he doesn’t have to watch the next hour of activities with participant Seungcheol frowning. Pained because he knows that probably means he’s gonna see him come crashing down once its all over, with the medal Joshua has faith he’ll win and the gleeful gummy smile that charms just about everyone, looking for a face that isn’t there only to change the look of his.

Surely enough, just as he knew he would, Seungcheol completes the final sprint and dash in third place, which is remarkable considering the long-legged towers he’s up against. That stupid smile you can’t help but smile back at takes the stage and Joshua knows exactly what’s coming. He prepares for the blow when the kid runs over to the bleachers after a group hug with the team. There are two pangs in Joshua’s chest, one of envy and one of worry, the latter hurts a lot more at the moment, considering he’s about to witness his best friend come to a mood wrecking conclusion.

He can’t let that happen, he’ll hold it off as long as possible even if it's inevitable.

Joshua jumps up from his seat on the metal bench and swiftly but cautiously makes his way to the bottom, hoping off the last step and throwing his arms around him before pulling away and shaking him with his hands on his sweaty shoulders. “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT THIRD, THAT’S TOP THREE, BASICALLY A WIN!”

“BASICALLY!”

They both break into fits of laughter and screaming, nothing compared to the noise of the crowd.

“That was so cool! I knew you’d win!” Joshua breaks into an all-real smile, temporarily forgetting what he was supposed to be doing (distracting) in the first place.

“I didn’t!” he laughs in astonishment. “I wanna do it again, I can’t wait til the next one. You know it was scary at first but its like once you start it's just easy.” Joshua understands that perfectly, when he was ready to give up halfway through the first race in tryouts, but once he got into the right mindset it was like flying. Or when he started hanging out with Alex and Nick more often, it became a comfortable, sure thing. He grins and nods.

“You were even faster than th-”

“SEUNGCHEOL!” screams who Joshua identifies as Alex, Nick not to far behind. They look ecstatic. “That was freaking amazing!”

“It was awesome! Like a pro!” Nick adds.

His cheeks become slightly pinker than they already are from running.

“Thanks.” he shyly smiles. Seungcheol was great at taking  compliments, but this is a new thing he’s doing, so he probably wasn’t sure if it was gonna turn out alright or not. Of course, he still hung onto his mentality of believe in yourself and you your best, but no one can help but be nervous sometimes, even Seungcheol, so he did blush a lot. Joshua is the exception, at times its like they share one mind, they naturally scream to each other at things like this openly.

Joshua almost— _almost_ forgets the drive that made him jump from his seat four rows up on the bleachers.

“Hey Josh, aren’t your parents here with Seungcheol’s? With the flags and banners? They really went all out!” Alex exclaims. “Look!”

_Goddammit Alex._

Seungcheol’s eyes follow the pointed finger, so do Joshua’s, he winces at what he sees, or what he doesn’t see—who he doesn’t.

Seungcheol doesn’t say anything, and the corners of his lips only slightly wobble, his brows only press for a second, his eyes slanted sadly only for a moment. The whole reaction is more of a twitch, but Joshua notices all of it, and is the only one who does. He can see the force of his smile now, and the confused to disappointed look in his eyes, and it breaks his heart to pieces.

“My mom said we can watch that R-rated horror movie!” Joshua squeak/announces, directly at Seungcheol as they poured over the trailer on YouTube last weekend.

“Really?” Seungcheol and Alex say at the same time. Nick and Joshua look at Alex like he’s grown a third eye, because at no point was he let in on any horror movie they were dying to watch, but Seungcheol is focused on him with tunnel vision, so he keeps the ball going.

“Yeah, she said as long as we don’t get scared or whatever… like that’ll happen. But she bought the Blueray so we can watch it tomorrow.” Mrs. Hong did not, in fact, approve of any of this, but Joshua needs something to distract him until they can get out of this school environment and back to one of their houses where he can openly let out all his troubled feelings without so many eyes watching him.

“Ha! If anyone’s getting scared it's definitely you though.” he jokes, Joshua sighs in relief, because if Seungcheol can crack a joke the matter is out of his main thought bubble as of right now. He rolls his eyes and the comment and they talk to Alex and Nick a bit more before stopping by a very fake-happy looking Oliver, Misa by his side as she argued with Emily over something they don’t catch onto.

The four of them try their best to indirectly cheer him up, but it's no use, he gives them the same half smile they all see through. But Oliver congratulates Seungcheol like he means it.

The spring of fourth grade is both a time for gained and lost opportunity. Joshua goes back to his house with Seungcheol where he nearly cries but doesn’t, not saying so out loud but wants a distraction, so they watch the horror movie at night when everyone's asleep, keeping the volume of the TV and their outbursts as low as possible. If Mrs. Hong catches them, she doesn’t let on that she does. That night onward, Seungcheol becomes a little distant from the topic of his disappointment at the tournament, Joshua makes an effort to grow closer to Alex and Nick, and Mrs. Choi stops coming over for Friday dinners.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HHHH I'm evil
> 
> IF YOU THINK THIS IS A BIT SAD B O I WAIT UNTIL CHAPTER 3 WOHOHO
> 
> If there are things in here where you think characters are being immature or ignorant, its because most nine year olds are like that. There WILL be character development all with time! I want to make this as realistic as possible. Also, if you think the drama and social anarchy is over the top and taken too seriously,,,,,, well,,,, at the time it FELT like that. Maybe when Joshua grows up he'll look back on this and laugh? 
> 
> We'll see!
> 
> I finish school on the 20th since I only have one exam, so updates will be more frequent , I promise.
> 
> Hope you guys like this book so far, were almost halfway through!


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